SALMON IN BUTTER
1 (1 1/2 lb.) salmon
Salt & pepper
BUTTER

Duh, how can you go wrong with those ingredients? Get the fish out of the plastic, pat it dry, put on some salt and pepper. That’s it. Be generous. Want to be fancy? Get a couple more ingredients:

White wine
2 shallots, chopped (or half an onion, what the hell)
Juice of 1 lemon

So heat up the butter, drop the salmon in (if it’s got skin, then skin-side down). Drink some of that wine. The fish is gonna start turning pink. Wait for it. Wait for it. Have a drink while you wait. Now you can do all sorts of fancy things, but I just turn that sucker over and let it cook a little on the show-me side, you know, the presentation side that sits up on the plate. It’s not strictly in the cooking rulebooks, but I find it gives a nice crust to the top, and you know I’m the kind of guy that likes crust. Anyway, take the salmon out of the pan after a few minutes or it’ll stick and you’re screwed. You can probably eat it now, but what the hell, let’s go fancy. Let the fsh (fssssh) hang out for a few minutes. In the pan, add the fancy three ingredients. Let that bubble for a few minutes. You got capers? Probably not. So fuck the capers. Anyway, after the wine and butter have reduced a bit throw said salmon back in, again skin-side down. Spoon some of that hot butter and wine on top of it. Don’t worry, salmon can take it (lesser fish, like cod or tilapia might fall apart on you at this point, so you may have to eat out of the pan).

Basically, you’re finishing the cooking off in the sauce, really getting the flavor and cholesterol in there. Practically poaching the bastard. Have some more wine yourself.

Anyway, serve that up with salad from a bag and maybe some box rice that might come out a little burned but tastes good anyway, with enough wine in your system. Eat! Serves: You and yourself.

Single Guy Hint No. 74: Never show up to anyone’s house empty-handed! Picking up a six pack is easy. Resisting the urge to just go home and finish it yourself is hard. But anyway, if you’re going to go, bring something. Saying, “I brought my empty stomach” does not count. I bring this easy-to-make guacamole recipe modifed from Rick Bayless’s book Authentic Mexican (Morrow 1987), and I always get good marks for it. Oh, unlike most times when cooking, since this is for your buddies, there’s no need to clean your hands.

Ultimate Guacamole
1 to 2 jalapenos, stemmed, seeded, finely finely chopped
2 ripe plum tomatoes, cored and diced
3 cloves garlic, mortared to a pulp
10 sprigs fresh cilantro, chopped
3 ripe, medium-size hass avocados (the expensive fancy ones)
Salt, about 1/2 teaspoon
Cumin, pinch
1 lime

I got this great mortar and pestle made out of volcanic rock. You may just have an old, but sturdy jock strap. In any case, smashing garlic in a bowl-like structure gives it a nice, sharper flavor for this. Throw in some salt to keep it steady and help draw out the garlic juice. That’s right, I said garlic juice. Deal with it. Then, in a medium-size bowl, mix the garlic mush and chiles with the tomato, and cilantro (or coriander, for you idiots).

Pretty soon before you serve, halve the avocados lengthwise by cutting down the long way not the short way, all around the pits. Twist one half of the avocados off like a soda cap. Chop yoru knife into the pits to get a hold of them, twist, and those babies will pop right out. Be careful not to cut off your fingers while trying to take the pit from your knife (knock the knife on the table and watch the pit fly!). Okay, use a paring knife, make a cross hatch cut in the avocado meat, then take a spoon and scrape it all out. Add to bowl.

Using a big spoon, a rubber spatula, or maybe a kitten, mash the avocado while mixing in the other ingredients, making a nice, but not too homogenous mush. Add lime juice before it all turns brown. Eat it! Eat it now!

No, by “organized” I mean that you had some leftovers you were smart enough to toss in the fridge. Like ham, peppers thah haven’t started to turn fuzzy, and even cooked rich (in which case, you cut your cooking time in half). If you have that stuff, most of this dish is already cooked. If not, it’s a good way to spend a Saturday–what else do you have to do?

INGREDIENTS:
* 1 big fat greasy chorizo, diced
* 1 large onion, diced
* 1 red bell pepper, diced
* 1 green bell pepper, diced
* 2 cloves garlic, destroyed
* 1/2 teaspoon salt, plus more, to taste
* 1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
* 1 teaspoon paprika
* 1/2 teaspoon oregano
* 1/2 teaspoon thyme
* 1 bay leaf
* 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
* 1 tablespoon tomato paste
* 6 ounces diced ham
* 2 1/2 cups chicken broth
* 1 cup diced tomatoes
* 1 cup long-grain white rice
* 1 pound peeled and deveined medium shrimp
Hot pepper sauce

PREPARATION:
In a Dutch oven (heh heh) over medium heat, cook chorizo until crisp. Take out that chorizo before it gets black and toss it all on paper towels to drain. In the chorizo fat, toss in garlic, onion, and peppers and cook until tender, oh, about 10 minutes. Toss in herbs, ham, and tomatoes gingerly. Add chicken broth. Pause to consider fate of New Orleans. Bring liquid to boil. Stir in the rice, cover, reduce heat and simmer for about 20 minutes. Now, instead of your usual cigarette, two glasses wine, and one-eighth of a sudoku puzzle, do the next step instead: The shrimp!

Shrimp is the big expenditure here. This you actually have to buy fresh or forget it. Don’t get the frozen shrimp! I’m telling you! Anyway, sit at the table with a paring knife and a bowl. If you don’t know how to cut up shrimp, then call up the Greeks because it’s just too much for me to explain now, I’m not in the mood. So, 20 minutes are up: Add the shrimp to the pot; cook through. Salt and pepper to taste.Two gallons hot sauce. Just kidding. Maybe. If you want it thicker, get some of the liquid into a cup, stir in 2 Tbs. corn starch, then dump back into the mix. Stir it around, let it cook a little more, hum a little Fats Domino, eat.

Grilled Portobello Mushrooms
* 2 portobello mushrooms
* 1/4 c. olive oil
* 2 cloves garlic, minced
* 4 Tbs. balsamic vinegar

1. Clean mushrooms by tapping them gently against the table till all the dirt falls out. Remove stems–or else the ‘shrooms won’t sit flat in the grill. Save the stems for something else. Like putting them in a rival’s sneakers. Place the caps on a plate with the creepy-looking gill parts up.
2. In a small bowl, combine the oil, garlic and vinegar. Pour the mixture over the mushroom caps and let stand for about an hour.
3. Heat up your grill pan. Don’t tell me you don’t have a grill pan, because then I have nothing to say to you. Go! Get out of here. Now when your grill pan is hot, place the cap creepy side down. Grill on each side for 10 minutes. Serve immediately!

Warm Spinach Salad
6 c. fresh spinach leaves (this does NOT work with frozen spinach, trust me)
1/2 c. olive oil
3 cloves garlic, finely chopped

Rinse that spinach 50 times. Even then there will still be dirt. But by then it’s hopefully microscopic. Heat the oil in a medium size skillet over medium heat. Add garlic. Season to taste with salt and pepper and maybe some herb de provence, what the hell. Toss the spinach with the warm dressing and sprinkle the salad with Parmesan cheese, if you want. I didn’t, but that’s because I didn’t realize I could’ve. See what you get — spinach warmed by the heated dressing. Very classy! Serve immediately. Pour yourself some wine. This is about 6 servings, although I ate the whole thing just to stifle the pain and because I hate leftovers. Other ways to really dress this up, for the rare occasions you actually have someone else there: Add some basil to the spinach. And/or add 1/2 cup of toasted pine nuts and or some prosciutto or turkey bacon to the oil as it heats, diced.

All in all a very healthy meal that I enjoyed with some wine and a rerun of Rocky IV. ”I must break you!” Then I got hungry and ate half a bag of apricot turnover cookies.

Turkey Day 2007 went very well, actually. Each year I make at least one dish for the meal, usually extemporaneously from whatever Ma has in her fridge. This year I threw a selection of frozen broccoli, cauliflower, and zucchini into a pan with garlic, just to flavor, then tossed that with breadcrumbs and grated parmesan, then tossed that in the oven. The kids loved it. My mother made turkey gravy—something she never made for us when we were kids! That lady has been watching Food Network.

So that was my Thanksgiving. How was yours?