prose
Shooting an Elephant Werewolf by The Bare-Fanged Contessa*
I’ll Have the Fish by M.B. O’Connor
Why Basmati Rice Is the Bane of the Worldwide Lurking Community by Matt Medina

classic asinine
The Height of the Ridiculous by Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

"Never let anyone outside the family know what you're thinking again."

Mami worked at the Day Care Center on South 4 and Keap Street. It was a small and skinny blue and white building near the corner. At the corner was a lot with a playground for the little little kids in the center. Mami had her own office on the second floor. She was like a doctor — she took care of the little little kids in the school if they got sick. We used to visit her office and take a nap on the doctor bed that had paper on it. Or Mami would check how much we weighed or how tall we were.

One time they had an office party, and I had just discovered that you could go into the toilet, then lock it, then crawl out under the door. Then the next person wouldn’t be able to get in! I told Raphael about it, and he agreed that it was a great idea! So we went to the toilets on the first floor. We each took a stall, locked it, then crawled out. Then we ran to the bathroom on the second floor, went into the toilets and locked them. Then we checked back downstairs. A man was leaving and he said the toilet had gotten locked somehow, so he had to crawl under to fix it. We waited for him to leave and then locked it again.

We did this five times before someone told Mami that we were doing it. But she wasn’t mad at us. She thought it was funny. But she said we had to stop.

Every day Papi would finish the numbers, then take us to pick Mami up at the Day Care Center. One day we went and Mami had all her stuff from the office. She was very sad and very quiet.

Later, I found out Mami got a lay off. Eyewitness News talked about people getting a lay off, so I kind of knew what it was.

Now every day Mami stayed home. She was very quiet, so we kids stayed away from the kitchen so she could be quiet. My sister Evie whispered to me that now we had to go on welfare.

I had just started going to the store at the corner for milk and eggs. One time Mami told me to go to the store to get milk. She put the fake welfare money in my hand. It looked like Monopoly money. I didn’t want to go.

I stood at the door with the money in my hand. I didn’t move. Mami asked me why I didn’t want to go. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want her to know I was embarrassed. Raphael said, “Gimme. I’ll go,” and he took the money and went to get the milk.

poems
Asinine Christmas Poem No. 7 by Fenway Parker*
Online Shopping with Wine by Suet Go*
Oy to the World by Scott Emmons
Krampus! He Is Coming to Town! by The Bare-Fanged Contessa*
Santa Claus Is Fake by Jeff Iorio
Paint by Numbers by Larry Lawrence
Below the Mumu by John Muth
Dear Johnny, Part 6 by Caustic Casey

prose
The Ladies Who Shop — at Christmas by Judy Maitland Reggio
Just How It Happened, or Jesus Takes a Business Trip by Daniel Thomas Moran
A Perfect Day for Monkeyfish, Part 6 by Creeley Piker*

classic asinine
The Boy Who Laughed at Santa Claus by Ogden Nash

Decimated Tribe Seeks Recognition Through 2010 Census
Puerto Rican Tainos were nearly wiped out after arrival of the Spanish

A people thought to be dead for 500 years hope to prove they’re still very much alive, thanks to the 2010 census.

The census counts everyone in the United States, including territories like Puerto Rico. Thousands of Puerto Ricans are rediscovering their indigenous heritage and plan to ensure that the U.S. government knows about them.

Click here for the full story.

After a while, though, the boogers started to add up. It was okay because they would dry up, so you could put one on top of another.

When it got to springtime, Papi painted the apartment. He started in the living room and we were helping him but when we started doing tic tac toe he told us to stop and stay in the kitchen.

Later, after Papi finished, Fever and me were walking around the apartment, with all the furniture piled in the center of the rooms under blankets, and we were liking the smell of the paint, and then we both said, “The booger wall!”

So we ran to our room and looked at the door frame. We were wondering if Papi had cleaned off the wall with a scraper. But no — we saw right away from the bumps that Papi had just painted over our boogers.

We both turned to each other and said, “Ewwww.”

poems
The Soul of Liberty Valance Returns to Get a Popcorn Refill by Melanie Browne
Hamburger Mouth & Taco Mouth by Bill Jansen
Taking Chickens to the Doctor by Sam Hamod
Ode to Diet Soda by John Muth
Approaching the Hill before Tumbling Over by Suet Go*
Angel of the Citadel by Gary Lehmann
The Poet with Alexithymia by Kevin Shea
Unpressured by Apple Dickinson

prose
How to Host a Poetry Reading by Shay Tasaday*
I Hate Babies by Judy Maitland Reggio
The Edge Needs to Stop Being A Dick about Getting Iced by Adam Bulger
A Perfect Day for Monkeyfish, Part 2 by Creeley Piker*

classic asinine
Alliterativism by G. K. Chesterton

new podcast
Episode 77: Asinine for Schmucks*