Top 10 Things I Should’ve Done at the Big Staff Party Last Night

10. Brought a snack with me to nibble on during the speeches, so I would not’ve felt such an urge to gnaw on my own forearm for sustenance.
9. Cried when the award was given for the “heart” of the company.
8. Filled my pockets with cookies.
7. Filled my pockets with skewered shrimp.
6. Danced to that one danceable song in a row that came on about 8:17.
5. Not have cussed in Spanish.
4. Remembered that the bathrooms are not co-ed.
3. Seized the stage and read my meeting poetry.
2. Maybe not have had that last glass of wine.
1. Kept my pants on.