Nuyorican Obituary

Ah spring, when all the church signs bloom. Actually, they’re evergreen, so who says the church doesn’t know how to market itself? For church sign enthusiasts, it’s at St. Francis of Paola Church, 219 Conselyea Street. The church closest to the only White Castle in Williamsburg. And sorry it’s blurry–I had to reach in between the bars to take this pic.

Just received my author’s copy of Center: A Journal of Literary Arts! For you fleet-footed fans, my essay “Why I Hate Florida” is on page 183. You can gander at a PDF of the first page online, but otherwise please ask for it a your local litry establishment, if there any left in your ‘hood, or go to the Center site and order up a thousand copies. You can ask for it at Dunkin’ Donuts, but they’ll just look at you funny. For those of you who are hard up or lazy or maybe too hungover to move from the couch because of all that vodka you drank last night and you’re just lying there teasing the cat with the laser pointer but are still interested in reading the essay, I can send you a xeroxed copy.

FEEDBACK POEM NO. 1
We will explore ways to make this more legible.
We will explore different ways to make this more clear.
We will create banners for each type.
We will explore different placements and treatments.
We will explore better ways to balance the elements.
We will explore different ways to communicate this but it has been difficult.
We will explore ways to make these more similar.
We will revise.
We believe that it is prominent enough. Adding it again would be redundant and add unnecessary clutter.
We would like to keep this language here.
We will add this.
We will revise.

FEEDBACK POEM NO. 2
Move forward with the concept
However, please provide more contrast
between the body
Move forward with
You’re invited
You’re invited to test
Make the user feel special and know that he is amongst a select few
Move forward with “Hi, I’m Allison.”
Move forward with “Chat now”
Add language to inform the user that they have been “specially selected”
Move forward with the concept
Add language
You have been chosen
Hi, I’m Allison
Please provide more contrast

During a reticent spring such as this one in New York, you ache impatiently for warmer weather to come along, sunshine, pretty girls who work for TV networks, tumescent coconut trees in bloom, suff like that, and here is a view of my neighbor’s backyard, a snapshot taken from my back window of the hopeful dreaming therein.

Question: What do you call a fish without eyes? Answer: Fsh. Trust me, it’s a lot funnier if you say it out loud and you’re a little buzzed. Yeah, we all gotta eat healthy once in a while; you can’t have scrambled eggs every night. Here’s a basic fish recipe that will get you through the hardest times or brightest buzz. You can follow it, but basically remember that fish plus butter equals heaven.

SALMON IN BUTTER
1 (1 1/2 lb.) salmon
Salt & pepper
BUTTER

Duh, how can you go wrong with those ingredients? Get the fish out of the plastic, pat it dry, put on some salt and pepper. That’s it. Be generous. Want to be fancy? Get a couple more ingredients:

White wine
2 shallots, chopped (or half an onion, what the hell)
Juice of 1 lemon

So heat up the butter, drop the salmon in (if it’s got skin, then skin-side down). Drink some of that wine. The fish is gonna start turning pink. Wait for it. Wait for it. Have a drink while you wait. Now you can do all sorts of fancy things, but I just turn that sucker over and let it cook a little on the show-me side, you know, the presentation side that sits up on the plate. It’s not strictly in the cooking rulebooks, but I find it gives a nice crust to the top, and you know I’m the kind of guy that likes crust. Anyway, take the salmon out of the pan after a few minutes or it’ll stick and you’re screwed. You can probably eat it now, but what the hell, let’s go fancy. Let the fsh (fssssh) hang out for a few minutes. In the pan, add the fancy three ingredients. Let that bubble for a few minutes. You got capers? Probably not. So fuck the capers. Anyway, after the wine and butter have reduced a bit throw said salmon back in, again skin-side down. Spoon some of that hot butter and wine on top of it. Don’t worry, salmon can take it (lesser fish, like cod or tilapia might fall apart on you at this point, so you may have to eat out of the pan).

Basically, you’re finishing the cooking off in the sauce, really getting the flavor and cholesterol in there. Practically poaching the bastard. Have some more wine yourself.

Anyway, serve that up with salad from a bag and maybe some box rice that might come out a little burned but tastes good anyway, with enough wine in your system. Eat! Serves: You and yourself.

Co-worker: “Oh, I’m married.”
Me: “That’s so sad.”

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Me: “Whoa! Is that blouse see-through?”

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Me: “Isn’t this whole concept a little silly?”

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Supervisor: “Are you going to the client presentation?”
Me: “Honestly, I’d rather stay here and play Scrabulous.”

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Me: “You are the best delivery manager I have ever met in your whole cubicle.”

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Cubicle Neighbor: “What’s a good cure for grumpiness?”
Me: “Masturbation.”

This is an early cartoon strip I did for a zine called Used, which apparently no longer exists. From back in my zine days. I did three episodes–the title was suggested by the zine editor–and this is one of the few I have a copy of. The theme of the zine and the strip, as you can tell, was repurposed goods, used things, antiques, bazaars, flea markets. This strip has been living for years on E’s Monkeyfish.com site. Thanks, E! (He’s pictured here with the holey sweater.) You can see my inking skills were pretty primitive, and my lettering had probably devolved since my architectural lettering classes at Brooklyn Tech. My new pet project will be uploading a lot of old zine stuff to this site. Like some time in August. Or sooner. Lots of scanning to do. Some of the time I am planning to put in may even be worthwhile. And, nope, that e-mail address no longer works.