Nuyorican Obituary

Lately, I have seen a rash of heinously inconsiderate behavior in the urban populace regarding one particular personal accessory: that is, the cell phone. Men and women and children, inexcusably oblivious to their environment and to their fellow living beings, chatting away while walking or jogging or doing yoga, in elevators, on trains, and, absolutely worst of all, in lines. These people, for lack of a better word, seem to assume that silence is not golden and that blocking off one of their senses is; seem to need confirmation of their existence and importance through constant narration (“I’m getting out of the subway. I’m two blocks from your house. I’m getting some milk. I’m one block from your house,” etc., etc.); and, perhaps spurred on by the plague of reality TV, seem to feel the need to speak unguardedly in unsoft tones about the most private of subjects in public (“I still haven’t found those panties!”). This behavior is selfish, rude, and annoying and is something up with which we should not put!

Much of the blame for this unconscionable behavior may no doubt be placed on our mulitask-happy society, the need to do at least two things at a time. But that kind of philosophy leads inexorably to the lessening of enjoyment of any of the individual things. And it is no fun to witness either. Somehow, it is easier to drown out two people ping-ponging their banalities back and forth. You may read your paperback or play a heady round of Sudoku. But when it is one person saying nothing of use to the air, it shatters the wall that one naturally puts round one’s self in the City. What is worse is that while these people are busy on their ubiquitous mini-phones, they are not giving their full attention to the task at hand, and when they approach the cashier or cook or clerk, they inevitably slow the entire process down.

And no one likes being in a line.

Here is what I therefore propose: In every store, restaurant, theater bar, and bank—any place where people must queue up for anything—there be TWO lines. One line for normal people. And another other line for those on cell phones, those who insist on broadcasting their inane half-dialogues.

First, this allows the line with considerate, decent, and unselfish people to queue steadily and efficiently, because they deserve it. The people with cell phones will be on a line that takes forever, a period of time that should pass agreeably to them since they have someone to talk to while they wait. They will be less likely to annoy the others in line, since they are all having ridiculous conversations in a volume louder than normal dialogue (in order to be heard through the tiny receiver), indeed, a sort of cacophony from hell.

Second, the cell phone-less line will safer for those who deserve to be safe. The cell-phoned line, full of creeps, sinners, and Republicans, boasts a succession of mini-antennae and cadmium batteries, and the callers enjoy a near-orgiastic discharging of electromagnetic energy all over each other, thus creating a miniature brain cancer cluster. (Which makes one wonder if the cell phone liners should be sealed behind a lead wall…)

Third, business owners need not fear that making two queues will affect business. In fact, it may improve point-of-purchase sales since the cell phone rapscallions will have more time to tarry. Also, the wise business owner may choose to post at the cell phone line the cashier, cook, or clerk who insists on talking on his/her cell phone. This way the line is held up even longer.

Enforcement of the two line law should be a simple matter. If one of cell phoners notices—perhaps because the person on the other end of his or her cell is somehow drop-dead boring—and thinks, Hey, that other line is going faster, that person may attempt to switch lines. This is absolutely not to be permitted, and although I know it is highly controversial, I think that tasering that cell phoner is a perfectly appropriate punishment.

That is my proposal. In terms of the upcoming Presidential campaign, whoever takes the good and proper stand on this important issue will have my vote!

The long weekend stretches out in front of me like an untaken highway. What will it be? Another Stargate marathon? Maybe, but I have much to do. After doing some revisions on my essay for Center, I will now dive into a short story I’ve been invited to submit for a crime fiction book. I have about two paragraphs done. Only about 50 more to go. I will also be playing with my new digital camera, gifted to me by my great pal C—–; it’s actually her first digital camera that her mom gave her, but C—– has donated it to the arts, or at least my attempts at them, like this view of a amiably-named establishment on Grand Street.

AsininePoetry.com fans out there–and I know who you are, both of you–will no doubt have noticed we announced the winners of the Asinine Poetry Erotic Poetry Contest. We were very lucky to swing judges with papers: Michelle Herrera Mulligan, writer and editor of Juicy Mangos: Erotica Collection (Atria, 2007); Dr. Daniel Thomas Moran, former poet laureate of Suffolk County; and Lainie Speiser, author of Threesomes: For Couples Who Want to Know More (Quiver, 2007) and publicity manager of the Penthouse Media Group. I got in touch with Ms. Herrera Mulligan and Ms. Speiser via MySpace (21st-century networking!). But in full disclosure I used to work with Lainie back at Gallery in another century. Dan I just met in a bar. Please read the asinine erotic poems and let me know what you think. Some are quite titillating, as they should be, and all, I hope, will bring a smirk to your face.