Nuyorican Obituary

This picture accurately describes my overnight stay at the Moran hacienda the weekend after Labor Day. It is missing only the sand in my shoes and the wonderful breakfast I had to eat very, very slowly the next morning because of all the alcohol and nicotine poisoning. That’s Woodford Reserve, by the way, not to be confused with Woodhull Reserve, which is a pain in the neck and lower back.

On a first date, you may get anxious to quickly suss out the true character of the person you are wooing. Sure, she may be beautiful but who knows if she goes home and browbeats her shitzuh? Sure, she laughs at all your lame jokes, but does she drink Fanta in the morning?! What is needed, then, is a kind of Rorschach test that will reveal some perspective on your potential pookie’s personality. That is why I came up with The Star Trek Test. (Cue weird ’60s sci fi music.) It may not actually be my creation. It may have risen up from the zeitgeist, memes, or Sci Fi channel, whatever, but I find it indispensable. And you don’t have to be a Trekkie to use it. Let me first, in the spirit of full disclosure, admit that I am a fan of Star Trek and would consider myself a Trekkie, not a Trekker (someone who takes it all far too seriously). In other words, I do not collect Star Trek stuff and I do not tell people to “Live long and prosper.” I like the TV show, I’ve seen the movies, and I only waited on a queue once to get William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy’s picture, just once.

I must point out, however, that The Star Trek Test is not a test of Star Trekness. Treknicity? Trekpersonship? Well, not of geekiness. It is, rather, a test of character and tolerance.

How does it work? Simple. Well, kind of simple. There is only one question: “So, what do you think about Star Trek?” The problem with this of course is that the mere mention of Star Trek usually goes over like a lead Tribble, I mean, a lead balloon in any conversation with most woman. And that of course is the point. This is a question that must be asked, a question that must be answered! Don’t stumble around for a conversational segue, don’t slip the waiter five bucks to make a Vulcan hand sign when he brings your drinks, just blurt out as soon as you have a chance: “So, what do you think about Star Trek?” She may spit out her pinot grigio but it had to be done.

Now there are three possible responses on her part to this:
(1) “Oh my god, I LOVE Star Trek. Captain Kirk—best captain ever! I dressed up as an Orion slave girl at the last convention and as a Klingon warrior the convention before that!”
(2) “Star Trek? Is that still on? Don’t tell me you’re a Trekkie, or Trekker, or whatever it is. That show is for NERDS. You’re not a nerd, are you?”
(3) “It’s okay.”

Chances are against your getting exactly these responses but even within degrees of them you can learn many things about that woman sitting across from you. If, for example, she answers (1)—and I am not making any judgments—well, frankly, she is insane. And will probably bite you in the face as a prelude to mating. But you may like that. You may in fact be a person who dresses up a Spock and lets women pet his ears. You two are a perfect fit. But for a laid-back Trekkie like me, not so much.

If she answers (2), then you’ve got a crazed, intolerant bigot on your hands. Possibly even a racist. She likes athletic men with sports cars, Disney movies, and may even have fake boobs. But you may like that! If you agree with all her narrow-minded bile, then you may have just found the women of your dreams. Although, be aware that although your attachment to Monday Night Football may be seen as cooler than Star Trek in our culture, but she won’t stand for too much of it either. Touchdown!

Now if she answers (3), well, sir, you’ve got a lovely lady there. She is tolerant, open-minded, intelligent, probably sexually adventurous in bed, and no doubt a liberal. This is the woman I am longing to meet. Even if she says, “You made me spill my wine, you jerk,” she’ll say it with a smile.

The Star Trek Test can of course be adapted to things that you personally find interesting. Be careful, though, that the question has enough breadth to give you a good personality reading and won’t get you slapped. “So, what do you think of red vinyl thongs?” will give you a larger range of answers than “So, what do you think of this beer?” but could end the evening very quickly. All in all, though, nothing works better than Star Trek. Live long and prosper!

Just wanted to keep this some place so when I get it yet again in my inbox I can refer people here.
1. Any nickname? Richie (also formal name), also Rich and Chee
2. Mother’s name? Richie’s Mom
3. What is your favorite drink? Dry martini, three olives.
4. Tattoos? I have a tattoo of myself covering my entire body, only better looking.
5. Body piercing? Yes, your love through my heart.
6. How much do you love your job? What we talk about when we talk about my love for my job
7. Birthplace? Greenpoint Hospital, Brooklyn, New York
8. Favorite vacation spot? Earth
9. Ever been to Africa? In dreams.
10. Ever steal any traffic signs? Stop!
11 Ever been in a car accident? I am still a victim of the accidents I leave (very minor scrapes, ending in a warped fender and a ripped-off sideview mirror; nothing like yours)
12. How’s it going? Erratic, but interesting.
13. 4 Door? Two wheels.
14. Salad dressing? Balsamic vinaigrette
15. Fighting style? Whooping Crane/Dancing Tiger
16. Favorite number? 13
17. Favorite movie? This week: Grande Illusion
18. Favorite holiday? New Year’s Day
19. Favorite food ? French
20. Favorite day of the week? Today
21. Favorite brand of body soap? Olive oil ones that disintegrate into green goo
22. Favorite TV shows? Always: Star Trek: TOS; Lately: Stargate SG-1, Ugly Betty, House
23. Toothpaste? Is this a friendly survey or some marketing survey?
24. Favorite smell? Ocean or old book.
25. What do you do to relax? Fill out marketing surveys.
26. Message to your friends reading this? You sure are swell for readng down this far.
27. How do you see yourself in 10 years? The same way I do now–in mirrors.
28. What do you do when you are bored? Blog. Can’t you tell?
29. Farthest place you will send this message? Ceti Alpha III
30. Who will respond the fastest? The EMTs

TO PUT IT SIMPLY, TV was my third parent. Isn’t it only natural that I want to work in the family business?

When Pop was out running numbers and Mami was working her second day job, I would’ve seen pretty much alone and unsupervised if not for the warm glowing superego that sat faithfully in the living room. It made me laugh. It taught me values. It gave me comfort. Why there is a Mother’s Day and a Father’s Day, but no Television’s Day, I don’t know!

What I mean to say is that I love TV. I watched it for hours as a kid. I watch it for hours now. And when I became a writer, the rhythms and patterns of TV became art of my DNA and part of my prose. I am pulled toward it.

There so, growing up I caught on to the fact that there were very few Latino people on TV. I mean, when West Side Story would come on, it was a revelation—Puerto Ricans existed outside my block! Sure, today we have George Lopez and Ugly Betty and whatever Daisy Fuentes is up to. But in a few years Latinos will the majority minority. Someone needs to speak for them. Someone needs to know what entertains them. With my years of experience as a Latino performing on stage and online, and writing about TV, writing fiction, and Latinos, I know this is the job for me. Orale!

One more thing. Let’s face it. This is America. The American dream is to be rich. My mother named me Richie not Rich or Ricardo or bless her heart not Richard in hopes of getting me there halfway. I have had many short stories published, and I am proud of every one of them. But the lonesome writer turns his craft into a career by writing speeches, car commercials ad copy, or working in the television and film industry. I want to work at what I love. That is beyond the American dream. It is the human dream. Well, it is in a capitalist western society, but never mind that now. And what I love is TV.

I have written scripts. They are under consideration, which probably means they are propping up some agent’s laptop. Writing well and persevering are part of the job. With my years of experience writing about TV, writing fiction, performing on stage and online, I know this is the job for me.

I want to make my mark in the industry and on the world.

I want to yell “Mom! Dad! TV! I made it!”

N.B.: I wrote this for as a self-intro essay for the National Hispanic Media Council’s Writers Program. It’s pretty horrible, isn’t it? I wasn’t sure what to say. Didn’t make the cut for the program. Carajo!